How to drive Husbands off the wall…Effectively

I’m bored. No, I’m sick and tired of seeing tons of self-help books piling up in the bookstores, teaching people how to improve their life, anything from bedroom to boardroom. While I may agree to some extent that positive reinforcement is a healthy way to improve relationship, but do you know that most people never learn until they fail…repeatedly. So in order to speed up the learning curve, I’m going to attempt to be a self-help Guru by doing the opposite.

And if you don’t have GREAT sense of humor than you won’t enjoy what I’m about to say, because it will probably put you in an edgy position. However if you let it sink a little deeper, you’ll see the whole picture so much clearer.

Chat - It’s pretty well known fact that women tend to be chattier than men. Generally speaking, most husbands can put up with it for a while however your marriage can take its toll if your chattiness goes overboard. And to spice things up, gossip nonstop on phone and in public.

Be seen chatting to others while he…

• Gets home from work.
• Gets ready to go to bed.
• Watching his football game. Sit close to him and talk louder than the sport commenter.
• Reads his morning papers.
• Is with you in a corporate function.
• Is queuing up at the register counter in a grocery / hardware / electronic stores.

Intimacy – For decades, women have been giving this excuse, “Honey, I’ve a headache tonight” to avoid intimacy with their hubby. While this might put him off for a week or two but it isn’t enough to get him off your chest - so to speak. You have to be creative than this.

Before bedtime:

• Wear facial mask; more effectively if the mask is made of seaweed. Not only the smell is repelling, the color can even turn a white ghost green.
• Wear hair rollers on. Not just on the bang/fringe, but full head of rollers.

When pursued:

• “You just not that sexually appealing to me anymore.” Then sing this song!
• “It’s not appropriate because I’m seeing Brad Pitt (dream).” Then sing this song!
• “I don’t want to mess up the bed sheet.” Then sing this song!

Nag - From young we “hated” our mother for their constant nagging. As adult we still do. This is the best time to do your mother proud.

At home:

• “How many times must I tell you to lift up the toilet seat after before use?”
• “Can you please not fart in my present?”
• “Did you wash your feet?” right the minute he gets to bed.

In public:

Men hate to be told and nagged by WOMEN about their driving skill.

• “You are driving too fast, and it’s making me sick.” say it even he’s driving within the speed limit. Better yet when he is driving 20mph (30 kph) in a school district area.
• “Why can’t you park properly?” check to see the distance between the car and the marked white line on the parking lot are equally spaced. Then shoot him a killer look.
• “Why don’t I drive before we get completely lost?” As he started the car about to drive the kids to school.

Dinner - They always say that the best way to a man’s heart is food. And if you’re already a lousy cook, then you’ve accomplished 50% of your mission. And if you’re a great cook, needless to say, you’ve to turn yourself into a lousy one.

• Make all dishes tasteless by taking away salt, sugar and various sauce and herb you normally use.
• Prepare dinner at noon, preserve it in the fridge and serve it cold.
• Though he can preheat them in the microwave oven, but the dishes won’t taste any better without flavors.

Get acquainted – Husbands never like nosey / suspicious wives. Heck, wives never like to be questioned every piece of garment they bought be it the price or the practicality. Women react on emotions, Men act on logic. It’s time to turn the table around and be “logical” to check all his…

• Emails. Question non stop even if the email came from his mom.
• Mobile phone call activities and keep a record of all the activities
• SMS messages
• Pocket book
• Wallet
• Briefcase

Surprise appearances - Nobody like surprises, especially if they are unflattering.

• Appear in his office unannounced with shabby soiled clothes and no make-ups.
• Make yourself very available yet inhospitable when he is having a poker night with the boys. Serve Ginseng tea and marshmallow instead of beers and crackers. Constantly spray air freshener whenever one of his buddies lights up a cigarette or cigar.

Managing Funds – Most husbands entrust their wives with household expenses. Some lucky wives will probably have one to three credit cards for a little indulgence called side dishes spending.

• Don’t bother to balance cheque books.
• Write overdraft cheques, then deny for doing so.
• Max out his credit cards and his supplementary cards.

Shopping:

• Buy him thongs instead of boxer shorts. Do otherwise if he favors thongs.
• Buy his office wear shirts one to two sizes smaller. If his wears only a certain brand than get the brand that’s one grade higher. So when he made you return to the store for an exchange, is your second chance to max out his other credit cards. And if he decided to do the exchanging, you just give him an additional work to do.

Now the key here is to DO all of them day and night for a couple months. You should be able to see some results. Remember, NEVER put up a fight with him when he is about to blow.

If you still failed to drive him off the wall, after attempting all the above pointers, don’t fret because you’re most likely to be awarded “The best psychotic woman ever lived in history”.

By the way, if this list isn’t enough to drive you crazy, then head on down to Problogger and check the list writing competition.

Posted on: August 16, 2006 | Filed in: Battle of Sexes Jokes , Secret Tips |

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